An article recently published by Dr. Lilly Jay, clinical psychologist and ex-wife of Ethan Slater (known for his role as Boq in Wicked), highlights a deeply personal yet often overlooked aspect of betrayal: the lack of privacy in processing profound pain.
Dr. Jay reflected on how being thrust into the public eye during an incredibly painful period in her life robbed her of the time and space she needed to grieve and heal. She described the ongoing difficulty of seeing reminders of that time—watching her private anguish become public and losing control over who gets to know her story. What stood out in her article was her focus on her emotions, rather than the details of her marriage or divorce. She described the struggle of being forced to present a composed front to her clients and the world when her internal world was in turmoil.
While my experiences are nowhere near the public scrutiny Dr. Jay faced, her story resonated deeply with me. About five years ago, I ended a business partnership. It wasn’t in the tabloids or shared on a grand scale, but it still felt public in ways I wasn’t prepared for. I was given only a couple of weeks to vacate the office, leaving me no time to process my emotions before needing to explain the situation to clients and peers. I wasn’t ready to face the world or share that chapter of my story, but the circumstances forced me to anyway.
This kind of betrayal—where your pain is broadcast or shared without your consent—can feel just as cutting as the initial wound itself. It takes away your agency to decide who hears your story and when. You lose the ability to process your emotions in private, in your own time.
Dr. Jay’s story is a powerful reminder that betrayal comes in many forms. Sometimes, it’s not just about the act that caused the pain but the lack of space to grieve it on your terms. For anyone who has experienced a similar loss of control over their personal narrative, know that your feelings are valid. Healing is still possible, even when your story feels like it’s no longer your own.
Connected Recovery™ provides tools to navigate and heal from betrayal, helping you find peace and reclaim your story. You don’t have to face it alone.
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