A recent comment on one of my videos asked an important question: How do you rebuild trust after betrayal, especially after many years? It’s a profound and challenging process, but it is possible with deliberate effort and time.
First, understand that you won’t get back the innocent trust that existed at the start of your relationship. When a relationship begins, trust is often handed over freely, almost naively, as if on a silver platter. After a major betrayal, that innocence is gone. Restoring trust requires time and effort—and it must be earned. Don’t feel obligated to hand trust back to someone who hasn’t demonstrated they are safe for you or the relationship.
Think of trust like a scale, much like the one held by Lady Justice. Betrayal tips the scale heavily toward I can’t trust you; I don’t feel safe with you. To balance the scale again, significant actions are needed.
Steps to Rebuild Trust
Therapeutic DisclosureThe betrayer can answer questions openly and honestly, with the support of therapy, to help the betrayed partner make sense of what happened. This includes stopping the harmful behaviors, identifying how they began, and implementing safeguards to ensure they don’t happen again.
Empathy and UnderstandingRecognize that the betrayed partner doesn’t feel safe—and they aren’t “just being crazy.” Their reactions are valid, and working to restore their sense of safety is critical to rebuilding trust.
Small Acts of HonestyWhile major steps help rebalance the scale, small, everyday acts of honesty—like feathers—can slowly tip it further. For instance, admitting to small actions, such as grabbing fast food after saying you wouldn’t, shows that you’re practicing openness, even in seemingly minor situations.
Therapy as a Guide
Both individual and relationship therapy can be valuable tools. Individual therapy helps process emotions and provides personal support, while relational counseling offers strategies for communication and trust-building that benefit the partnership. Work with your therapist to determine what to share and how to share it productively.
Time and Patience
Rebuilding trust after major betrayal typically takes about three to five years. While it may not require the same time it took to break the trust—whether that’s 18, 28, or more years—understand that this process is not quick. It’s a gradual, intentional journey toward connection and safety.
Don’t rush the process. Trust isn’t something that can be demanded or forced—it must be earned, one step at a time.
At Connected Recovery™, we understand the complexities of rebuilding trust. With the right support and tools, you can navigate this journey and find healing. Let’s take this step together.
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