Shame, in the sense we're talking about here, isn’t just the emotion of feeling “ashamed.” It’s deeper and more pervasive—a belief system that tells you there are only two options: be perfect or be worthless. And since perfection is unattainable, this kind of shame convinces you that you’re inherently flawed as a human being.
One of the unfortunate side effects of this belief is the difficulty it creates in apologizing. If you’re operating under the notion that every mistake defines your worth, you may lose the ability to see mistakes as existing on a scale. In this mindset, every misstep is a 10 out of 10 catastrophe because there’s no room to see it as anything less.
This belief also undermines the capacity to recover from mistakes. If every mistake feels like proof that you’re irredeemable, how can you apologize and move forward?
For some, this difficulty stems from significant abuse or trauma in childhood or adolescence. If every mistake led to extreme consequences—whether physical, emotional, or relational—there’s no framework for understanding that mistakes can vary in magnitude. Without the experience of smaller, more manageable consequences, it’s hard to believe that not all errors result in disaster.
Shame distorts the lens through which we see ourselves, our mistakes, and our ability to make amends. But healing is possible.
Connected Recovery™ offers tools and support to address the underlying beliefs that keep shame and fear in control. By creating a foundation of safety, self-compassion, and connection, it’s possible to reshape the way you see mistakes—and yourself. Learn how to build a life rooted in joy, growth, and resilience.
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